When Your Nurse Colleague is Hurting

Nurses are as human as they come. We’re as fallible and vulnerable to experiencing emotional, psychological, and spiritual distress as anyone else. Moreover, the work of nursing can often make us extra vulnerable to phenomena like compassion fatigue and burnout as occupational hazards.

Workplace violence including verbal and physical abuse perpetrated by patients and their families is a serious problem, as are bullying and incivility committed by fellow nurses and interdisciplinary colleagues.

When you perceive that one of your colleagues is hurting, what can you do? How do you reach out and show that you care? We can’t always offer solutions, but most of us have the emotional intelligence and personal capacity to offer unobtrusive yet effective support skillfully.

Recognizing a Hurting Colleague’s Distress

If a colleague is in distress, it may be easy to identify, or it may be more subtle. An outwardly upset colleague is easy to spot: they may be cursing, yelling, muttering under their breath, or holding their head in their hands. When a colleague is upset enough to so clearly demonstrate their state of mind, interpreting the fact that something’s wrong is straightforward.

Body language speaks volumes, and the aforementioned head in the hands is simple enough to see, if not accurately interpret. Being seated in a chair with tightly crossed arms and a look of seething anger signals that the individual may feel somehow wronged. Being slumped over the counter of the nurses’ station can signal any number of emotional or physical states, including sadness, fatigue, or overwhelm.

When it comes to more subtle psychoemotional or psychospiritual states, we can often (but not always) use colleagues’ facial expressions to begin the process of interpreting how they might be feeling. If we’ve worked together for some time and know them reasonably well, we may be able to read them relatively easily. But for someone who doesn’t wear their heart on their sleeve or with whom we’ve had limited interaction, all bets are off in terms of guessing what’s amiss.

Is it OK to Ask?

As mentioned above, the extent to which we know a colleague and the time we’ve spent together can significantly impact our ability to understand what’s going on. And if we genuinely want to get to the heart of the matter, the best course of action is to ask.

Again, the personality and temperament of each person are unique, and one’s cultural background can have an outsized impact on whether we’re likely to respond honestly and directly to a question like, Hey, what’s going on? Are you OK?

In certain cultures, sharing one’s feelings is frowned upon, with a stiff upper lip being the typical response, regardless of the situation. On the other hand, some cultures value emotionality and sharing one’s feelings. Neither of these is inherently better than the other these are simply cultural differences that inform an individual’s responses.

This all points to the fact that it depends on many factors whether you’llget an honest response when asking someone how they’re doing, so be cautious.

Leaning In, Gently

When you notice an upset colleague, you don’t want to assume how they’re feeling or what support they need. In most situations, your curious and empathic nurse’s mind is your best asset.

Even if a colleague seems extra quiet, withdrawn, or sad, it’s generally not prudent to make a statement that presupposes how they feel. For example, if Jane is usually talkative, cheerful, and outgoing but lately seems listless and withdrawn, you can approach her in several ways.